My list of weird Olympic Sports

For some reason the winter Olympics always sneak up on me. I love the summer games so much that it feels like an eternity from one Olympiad to another. But I sometimes forget about the winter Olympics, most likely because I don’t care as much about winter sports as I do about the summer games.

One reason is that there are not as many winter events as there are in the summer. This year in Sochi there will be 98 gold medals awarded, compare that to the 2016 games in Brazil, there will be 306 medals awarded. So there just isn’t as much going on in the winter games to capture my interest like the summer games do.

But that being said the Olympics are always special, summer and winter. But there are some “sports” that are puzzling, and others that are just downright weird. From skiers firing guns to sailing a sailboat, some Olympic sports are just a little goofy. So let’s take a look at some of the most interesting current Olympic Sports.

10. Ice Hockey: No your eyes are not deceiving you. You did read Ice Hockey on a list of strange Olympic sports. Let me explain. Just because it is on my list does not mean I don’t like the sport because I really like Hockey. And to be honest Olympic Hockey is the best Hockey in the world. It is the one Winter Olympic sport that I enjoy more than any other.

But when one sits down to think about it, the game can feel a little strange. The reason is they take an idea that is really difficult and make it 10 times harder. Has anyone ever played normal floor Hockey? I have, it is really hard. Trying to get that little ball into a net guarded by a big guy while people are running at you with sticks is not an easy thing. Now let’s make this already difficult sport even more difficult by throwing the athletes on ice and putting them on skates so they have less body control than normal. There are times I wonder how anyone can score in that sport which is why the athletes that play it are truly amazing.

But while I respect them, that doesn’t change the fact I find the idea of Ice Hockey a little strange.

9. Weightlifting: Like the Hockey players I have a tremendous amount of respect for these men and women that compete in the Weightlifting events in the summer games. I say that mostly because I know with one punch they would likely send me through a wall. But the idea of watching people pump iron as competition is a little off to me. I know people must watch it because I have seen it televised, but I just don’t see the entertainment value of it. If I wanted to watch a sweaty human being lift tons of weight I can go to the local gym. I remember watching the London games and seeing one man lift weights one time and I thought to myself “that is impressive, but can we watch swimming, or water polo, or those girls in bikinis playing volleyball?”

Also where are those weight lifter’s spotters? When I was in weightlifting class we were told to never lift a lot of weight without a spotter. Now I know these athletes know how to lift weights a lot better than I do, but I will never forget when I saw one girl get crushed by the weights and I thought I saw a decapitation. I would hope that at the first sign of trouble there would be someone up there that could keep them from death.

8. Table Tennis: For some reason I don’t remember Forrest Gump competing in the Olympics. I almost feel robbed by Robert Zemeckis now because our favorite stupid man didn’t win the Gold Medal in Munich. Wait, Ping Pong wasn’t an Olympic Sport in 1972? Okay but the three point line wasn’t in basketball either but in the scene where he is playing ping pong in a high school gym you clearly see a three point line. So what’s one more fabrication?

But Table Tennis is actually intense. They are probably more skilled than real tennis players. You try hitting a little ball on a little table standing 20 feet away holding the paddle backwards. It is also a sport where folks from Asia will likely sweep the podium. If they want to get viewership up for this event they should do a sudden death tournament like in Balls of Furry. If you lose you get a poisonous dart to the neck. Not really, as I said in the weightlifting section, we should never see someone die in the Olympics.

7. Trampoline: I was so disappointed when I watched this for the first time. I was expecting it to be like the cool games I played on my trampoline when I was a kid. Anyone remember poison? It’s the fun trampoline game where you jump on the trampoline and have crap load of balls, and the objective is to jump around without getting touched by a ball. Yeah I was hoping for something like that when I watched the Trampoline event. Instead I just watched some Canadian guy do gymnastic flips for three minutes.

6. Biathlon: I saw this sport for the first time ever yesterday. It is a combination of cross country skiing and rifling. Did someone decide to combine two sports and those were the two options pulled out of a hat? It seriously sounds like a sport made up by a 6th grader. Now what would really want to make me watch this would be if they could shoot at each other Hunger Games style. Not with real bullets of course, but what if we got a cool Olympic Skiing and Paintball tournament thrown together? I would never stop watching that sport.

5.  Dressage: It’s an equestrian sport. I want to meet someone who has actually paid money to go watch Dressage in person. It looks like horse dancing. The horse and its super rich owner have to perform from memory a predetermined routine.

I think that because the horse does all the hard work on the dance floor the horse should be awarded the medal and not the rider. I would also like this because then I would go to the horse that won silver and ask him “why the long face?”

4. Rhythmic Gymnastics: Rhythmic Gymnastics is a princess’ dream come true. You have ribbons and hula hoops and dancing. This event always takes place after the real gymnastics events are over. I almost feel like the International Olympic Committee said, “well poop, we have run out of gymnastics events and we still have 3 days left. Oh wait, let’s give spoiled brats ribbons and let them dance and we can call it a sport. That will sell tickets right?”

3.  Curling: I watched curling once, it was during the 2002 Olympics in Salt Lake City. After about an hour I asked myself, “what am I doing with my life? I am watching people clean the ice with brooms and a tea kettle?” I can almost understand rolling the tea kettle, it is kind of like shuffle board for people that live on the North Poll. But why the brooms? I almost think that Swiffer got ahold of the creators of the sport and said, “We will get curling into the Olympics if you use our brooms in the games. Don’t worry we will just tell people sweeping the ice makes a difference while it actually does nothing. They are too stupid to know anyways.”

2. Sailing: I have never watched this, and I never will. What is so interesting about people harnessing the power of the wind? I know I would feel like an idiot if I lost in sailing. “Oh crap, I am terrible at getting the wind, I got losers wind while the Australian got winners wind.” Also I looked it up; the United States had 10 boats and 16 athletes in the games for sailing, tied for the most for any country and couldn’t bring home 1 medal. That I guess proves that we are more of a motor boat country than a sailboat country.

Speaking of motor boats, why the heck do we not have motor boat sports in the Olympics? Tell me which is more epic, sail boats, or people water skiing and wake boarding.

1. Racewalking: I guess they had to get the old suburban house wives a shot to win an Olympic medal too. It is called Racewalking but let’s be honest, it’s really speed walking. I see it on every episode of the Biggest Loser. Heck let’s just make that an Olympic sport while we are at it, I mean the people battling obesity deserve to win a metal too right? Whoever loses the most weight in two weeks is our gold medalist. But we are getting off topic here, back to the speed, I mean Racewalking. The one rule to the Sport is that you are allowed to go as fast you can, but one foot must appear to be touching the ground at all times.

I actually think I could win at this sport. When I was on a family vacation to Islands of Adventure in Orlando to see the new Harry Potter theme park I remember vividly Racewalking the whole crowd of people to the back of the park thinking “I need to get my butterbeer!” An employee of the park even yelled out to me to stop running. I simply replied “I’m not running! See one foot always appears to be on the ground!” If I were a recruiter for team USA Racewalking I would start at the community pools and theme parks across America, believe me you will find some amazing Racewalkers.

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